🔥 The Power of Trauma

I have been finding ways to motivate me to work and to keep going. And I tested the concept of harnessing negative emotions. I kept saying to myself "Don't be a bitch" (thanks to David Goggins haha), which worked to an extent. But then I rediscovered other words/phrases that were more triggering. Words etched in my subconscious that conjured strong emotions.

To my intelligence

• The teacher who said I was a failure and the reason the whole class was in detention.

To my body image

• The friend who gave me the nickname "Chunky".

To my ability to express myself

• "Don't talk/walk/stand like a girl/gay."
• "You're too soft/nice."

To my social confidence

• The person who told one of my siblings they felt sorry for them because I was their brother.

We all have our experiences that have shaped who we are today. We continue to carry these words. But there is no need to carry resentment. We've all hurt and been hurt (unintentional or not). But what a blessing, because these words hold immense power. These words provide fuel to the fire. Motivators for success. And perspectives for empathy.

This soft, chunky, embarrassment is about to fuck shit up. 😤

Fear of Association

I have been processing my past traumas after a trip to the psychologist. Reliving past experiences. Feeling into it. Releasing any emotions. Providing myself with compassion. At the time the main one I processed was my depression. Dark times of my life when I was suicidal.

But I just rediscovered the last one recently. A person who told one of my siblings they felt sorry for them because I was their brother. It's crazy how vividly I was transported to that moment. I can remember where, when, and the people around. We were on a trip with family and friends. I remember feeling sick to my stomach. I remember being so withdrawn.

I remember feeling like I didn't want to be around anyone. I've had a massive fear of association. It was fine, people didn't have to like me. But for others to be embarrassed to be around me was a massive cross to bear.

I remember not wanting to try to be friends with people. To give them the benefit of not being associated with me. To not be embarrassed of me or associated with me.

Which created a whirlwind of emotion.

I think is this coming up because I am in contact with a lot of people. Meeting a lot of new people and reconnecting with familiar faces. Through work, new environments, events, and holiday planning. And particularly through social media. My introverted self is freaking out. Which spurred me to write it out and process it.

It made me realise I had not processed my fear of association.