📖 The Art of Saying No by Damon Zahariades

Topic: Rejection, Self-Help| Medium: Audible | Rating: 4/5

The people-pleasing habit is natural but can be damaging to our goals and quality of life. If you are always responding to the needs of others, how can you achieve your own goals? Everyone is self-interested, but it’s only when our own oxygen mask is secured that we have the capacity to help others.

I’ve struggled with this a lot. A great way to practice setting boundaries in low-stakes situations is through cold calls—this point has made me more comfortable with accepting random calls.

• If you don’t prioritise your life, no one else will.

1. The People-Pleasing Habit:

• Time, money, and energy are often spent on others' interests, not your own.
• Saying no to yourself causes resentment.
• No one will prioritise your needs as much as you should.
• Prioritise your needs before catering to others.

The Psychology of Assertiveness:

• Assertiveness is not inherent; it’s a learned trait/skill.
• Confidently communicate your position.
• Assertiveness is not the same as aggression—avoid being rude, interrupting, dominating, or demanding.
• Still listen, be considerate, explain the situation, and be direct when declining.
• Learn how to say no without feeling guilty—say it with grace.

4 Parts

Why Is It Hard to Say No?

• It’s often considered rude.
• Saying no may make you feel guilt, fear, or shame.
• Saying no isn’t selfish.
• You are not responsible for others' feelings.
• Saying no can improve self-worth and self-esteem.

Don’t Be a Doormat:

• Do you say yes to look respectable in others' eyes?
• Are you afraid of conflict? Your feelings aren’t less important than the other person’s; you’re just made to feel that way.
• Do you say yes to validate your sense of worth?
• You can rewire this habit by taking small steps:
  • Stop and pause before you respond.
  • Are you inclined to say yes for approval or to validate your sense of worth? Is it important for you to be included in their circle of friends?
  • Recognise that this habit exists.

Are You a People-Pleaser?

How to Say No Without Sounding Like a Jerk:

1. Be direct and straightforward.
   • Don’t say you’re “unsure.”
   • Be clear.
   • We don’t want the other person to think we’re rejecting them as a person.
   • Avoid delaying or stalling—stringing them along wastes time.

• Don’t say “maybe.”
• Making excuses opens negotiations.
• Being direct shows respect.
• Take ownership of your decision.
• Say, “I don’t want to.”

Other Tips:

• Suggest revisiting the topic later. Sometimes, the issue might be resolved by then, giving you time to decide.
• Don’t lie about availability—lying erodes your personal sense of authority.
• Rely on your own reasoning—say, “I don’t want to because xx.”
• Show grace and honesty.
• Remember, their reaction is not your responsibility.

Alternative Suggestions:

• While not necessary, suggesting an alternative can be a gesture of goodwill.
• Recommend another person who might be better qualified.
• Describe your lack of bandwidth—explain that you have other responsibilities.

Be Resolute:

• People will learn (including you) that you can’t be manipulated, intimidated, or pressured to change your mind.
• Say no by category.

Saying No Does Not Make You a Bad Person:

• Kids can say no easily.
• Practice with low-value situations, like cold calls.
• Save “no” for important categories or times.

Saying No to a Spouse:

• Convey your convictions, dislikes, and opinions—set clear boundaries.

Saying No to Children:

• Set clear boundaries and be willing to disappoint them.
• A no should remain a no, but you can negotiate positive arrangements, not threats (e.g., chores).

Saying No to Friends:

• It’s a matter of managing expectations.
• It’s okay to put your priorities first.
• Their reactions are not your problem.
• Set boundaries and inform them of your feelings—a true friend will respect that.
• Say no for good reasons.

Saying No to Coworkers:

• Choose a different time if necessary.

Saying No to Clients:

• Provide reasons and refer them to someone else.
• Suggest a qualified peer.
• Refer to your established rules.
• Use “I don’t” statements.
• Successful people say no.