🎙️ Expressing Emotions p2 - Anger, Assertiveness & Anxiety
Script for a potential personal development podcast I was working on.
Podcast discussion points were based on the book 'It's Not Just Depression' by Hilary Hendel.
1. INTRO
OVERVIEW
Hi there. This is the next part in the series on Expressing Emotions. In the last episode, we spoke about the Change Triangle and how we can use it to move away from our defences and inhibitory emotions so we can process our core emotions and reach an authentic state.
In the book, the author talks about how she used the Change Triangle with her clients. I resonated with many of the examples, I thought this book was written for me. But I know these examples are universal.
Today I would share how I have used this Change Triangle in validating the role of Anger in my life.
2. BODY
BLOCKED CORE EMOTIONS - ANGER & ASSERTIVENESS
I never considered myself an angry person. I was always a cheerful, non-confrontational boy.
But in reflection, I’ve never really expressed this core emotion. Anger is not simply aggression and violence. It is also about assertiveness and telling people what you want.
Growing up we were told to behave, don’t talk back or complain.
A mix of inhibitory emotions of anxiety (in holding back) and guilt (believing that my wants were not worthy to be met) blocked my assertiveness.
And it caused me to resort to defences like avoiding conversations and people, becoming a “people pleaser” and relying on vices like alcohol and overworking.
More recently I’ve felt a lot of anger building up. Instances when I was angry and wanted to speak up for myself, but it was shut down by the guilt of hurting someone.
RELEASING THE EMOTION - FANTASY / IMAGINATION
A very practical way to release all emotions is using fantasy. Using our imaginations so we can live our emotions without hurting anyone.
So alone in my room, I closed my eyes. Imaging my younger self. Recalling past traumas where I held my tongue, where I held back. And I let it rip. And let me tell you it was intense. I didn’t know I was holding this rage inside. After fantasying about the yelling, the feeling subsided. I no longer felt like yelling. I felt lighter, and I felt compassion for myself and the other person.
Most of our automatic reactions are embedded in memories. Usually as a child. So revisit that child as an adult. Comfort the child, validate their emotions, and rewire your tendencies for your current situation. Our avoidance may have helped us avoid harm in the past, but hopefully, that is not the case anymore.
3. CONCLUSION
KEY MESSAGE - TELL PEOPLE WHAT YOU WANT
I think many of us struggle to tell people what we want. We pretend it’s the right thing to do. We play the hero card and say it’s the noble thing to do; or we play the victim and tell ourselves we deserve it; or villainise the other person.
So, we are stuck in toxic relationships and situations we don’t want to be in.
Anxiety is a tool. It tells us something. So perhaps the next time you feel anxious, ask yourself what core emotion may be blocked? And decide how you can release it.
It’s ok to say no. It’s ok to reject people. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. You’re being real. You’re honouring your emotions.
Let me just caveat that is not advice. I am simply sharing my experience. If you do think you need help, please reach out to a licenced professional. We all need help. That’s why were put on this earth with other people. So we can connect.
OUTRO
Thank you so much for listening. Keep growing. Stay cute. And I’ll see you in the next one.